


Insane Lord Mortem

by TheRogueHuntress



Series: Insane Lord Mortem's Story [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Harry Potter Setting, Angst and Humor, BAMF Harry, Badass Harry, Breaking the Fourth Wall, But not evil Harry, Crack, Dark Harry, Fluff and Angst, Gen, HP: EWE, Harry Needs a Hug, Humor, Insane Harry, James Potter Lives, Lily Evans Potter Lives, Lucius isn't so bad, Manipulative Dumbledore, Marauders' Era, Master of Death, Powerful Harry, The Deathly Hallows, Time Travel, Time Travel Fix-It, i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-07
Updated: 2016-06-07
Packaged: 2018-07-12 20:16:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7121026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheRogueHuntress/pseuds/TheRogueHuntress
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry Potter is the sole survivor of the apocalypse, so using his power as Master of Death he decides to go back to save the world.</p><p>Unfortunately for the world, becoming the sole survivor of an apocalypse leaves a person rather unstable, and Harry gets up to some curious shenanigans. Who knew he'd be able to make Lucius Malfoy faint? And his mother was such a screamer? Harry didn't, until now! </p><p>Voldemort's about to have a very bad day, and he's not the only one.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Insane Lord Mortem

Harry glanced around the barren wasteland that was England. Everyone was dead. Except for him, but that went without saying. Harry cackled. There was no one there to listen to him. Very disappointing. Well. That could be fixed. First, though, he needed a new name. Master of Death was rather catchy, but sort of gave the game away. BORING.

Aha!

Harry, AKA Lord Mortem twirled his elder wand.

“Death!” Death appeared to him. She was a smoking hot babe in a black leather bikini. He was her Master after all, ergo he could decide how she looked.

“Take me back to the last day of the first year of my parents schooling,” he commanded. He appeared in the Great Hall silently, scaring the wits out of everyone there. He could feel their fear. Tasty.

“Hello Professor!” he said cheerfully. Dumbledore stared at him in shock. Under his breath he hissed. “Death. First day of the last year! That’s what I meant. Imbecile.” He disappeared again.

* * *

 

Albus was having a rather strange day. Seven years ago a young man had apparated into the Great Hall, disturbing the temporal winds of Hogwarts. He’d then disapparated, leaving the school in uproar. No one could figure out who he was, how he’d arrived there, or where he had left to.

But now he could feel a shift in the temporal winds again.

The same young man, looking exactly as he had before, with hair as black as night and eyes as bright as the killing curse appeared in the hall silently. He grinned, revealing bone white teeth that seemed to have been sharpened. Albus’s wand twitched in his pocket. (No you dirty sods, that’s not a euphemism.)

“I’ll have that,” the man said, extending his hand. The Elder Wand shot out of his pocket before he could prevent it, straight into the man’s grasp.  He stroked it.

“There, there, my pretty,” the man whispered. “Did you miss me?”

At this point the entire school was staring at him. A few of the teachers had their wands raised, but looked utterly bemused. The man finally looked away from his wand, and glanced around. The grin returned, and it was the most terrifying thing Albus had ever seen. (And Albus had seen Gellert Grindlewald’s arsehole, and let me tell you that is not a pretty thing.)

“Excuse me. Would you please return my wand, and tell us who you are, and how you came to be here?” Albus was quite proud his voice didn’t shake. The man’s green eyes fixed upon him once more.

“Sorry Dumbles, but needs must, and besides, I’m its true master.” Could it be? The Master of Death?

“Right you sorry lot. I’m Lord Mortem, and I’m from the future and I’m here to save you from yours. If you don’t fancy following the old codger, or a hypocritical, homicidal maniac with a superiority complex I’m your third option. This way we won’t all die. If you want a safe haven, just say ‘please protect me Lord Mortem, you’re the awesomest wizard ever’. I’ll come find you, put you somewhere safe.” Well that was an interesting speech. Thankfully they all seemed far too terrified of him to consider his words.

“Just to throw a spanner in the works, Dumbles murdered his sister cos she caught him shagging Grindlewald, and Mouly Voldy is a halfblood of the name Tom Marvelo Riddle who’s throwing the biggest hissy fit ever because Dumbles refused to give him a job.” The entire school was staring at Albus now. Bugger. While not entirely correct, the truth was close enough. Oh Ariana.

“Everybody happy? Toodles.” The man cackled, looked around at everyone’s horrified faces, nodded to himself, and disappeared.

* * *

 

That had gone well. The cackle had been wonderful. He patted the Elder Wand to reassure himself. Yup. Still there. Now… where was that darn cloak? He peered around the Gryffindor dorm.

Haha! Tucked into dear ol’ daddy’s trunk, not even warded. What a twat. He picked it up and donned it. Beautiful. He wrote a note.

_Thanks for the loaner. You can have it back if I ever die. Love Lord Mortem._

That ought to do it. He pinned it to daddy’s pillow and shifted to the Gaunt shack. He whistled as he skipped up the pathway. The guard snake was very friendly, and Harry brushed away Voldy’s attempt at wards. He pried up a floorboard, cast the counter to that nasty looking flesh eating curse and picked up his Resurrection Stone. Oh darn. It was a horcrux.

“Death.”

“Yes master.” Death appeared in her usual outfit. Harry frowned.

“No, no, no! Your work clothes, please.” Death’s form flickered, and then grew, and the appearance of Death as was imagined in fairy tales took her place. It was a skeletal figure, covered by a rotting black robe, and the hood that covered its head was forever in shadow, never revealing its true visage. A scythe was held in one bony hand.

YES MASTER. Death rasped, his voice sounding like a thousand screaming souls. Harry nodded.

“Better. Now be a dear and destroy the soul part attached to my stone.”

Death extracted Voldy’s soul and tore it to scraps before sending off to the afterlife. Harry hopped up and down with glee. He had the full set once more.

“My precious,” he hissed, and then giggled. The stone shone, but he didn’t twist it. No need to see if the souls of the future could be found. After all, he wasn’t crazy! He removed the silly band the stone was set in, and set it as a necklace, placing it around his neck. The Hallows were complete. Now for his next mission.

He shifted to Malfoy Manor and extended his magic, giving the wards a friendly nudge so they didn’t reveal his presence. Oh! Mould Voldy was here. However, his new persona Lord Mortem had the patience to wait until he had destroyed all the ickle bits of his soul before he destroyed the man. Instead he listened to their conversation. Seems that Lucius was informing his Dark Lordness of an informant in the school who had tattled about an insane man who had stole Dumbledore’s wand and then apparated out of Hogwarts. Harry patted his pocket. He had the wand! Ah. Well most people thought he was insane, including the counsellor he’d seen. Just shows how little people knew. The meeting ended with Voldy entrusting something precious to Lucius. Perfect. Voldy left.

Harry shifted into Lucius’s living room.

“Hello darling.” Lucius jumped, wand in hand. Silly boy. Harry froze him in place and confiscated the wand. “Naughty, naughty.” He waved it disapprovingly. “Death sweetie, come eat some soul.” Death, in his work clothes thank god, (there wasn’t one), appeared. Lucius fell over. Harry leaned over him.

“Oh dear.” He poked Lucius. He was asleep? No, that was the wrong word. Unconscious. He’d fainted, hehe. He removed the freezing charm and levitated him onto the sofa. Death, meanwhile, was inspecting the book on the table.

THIS SOUL?

“Yup.” Lucius opened his eyes in time to see Harry’s faithful minion tear the soul piece apart. Black smoke writhed between bone fingers as it was torn in half, screeching its displeasure. Lucius stared at Death. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Harry inspected him. Had he lost his voice somehow? Harry poked his cheek.

“Gah!” Lucius cried, scrambling away. Harry felt the soul part depart. Hmm. That rhymed.

“You alright, lovely?” Harry asked. Lucius still stared at Death. Death pointed the empty space under his hood back at him. “Go away Death, I think you’re scaring him,” Harry ordered.

AS YOU WISH.

Lucius seemed to relax, although his gaze never fell from Harry.

“Lord Mortem, I presume?” Lucius asked, seeming to have regained some of his spine, and balls. Harry grinned. Lucius shrank back.

“You presume correct. Ten points to lovely Luci!” Ah. He loved alliteration. So did many journalists.

“To what do I owe the pleasure of this visit?” Lucius asked. He shifted as if to stand up. Harry threw himself on the sofa next to him, and placed an arm around his shoulders.

“A pleasure? Really? Thanks!” He tiled his head and peered at Lucius. He had eyes as grey as a British sky. “You are far more attractive and well-mannered than your son,” Harry informed him. Lucius stiffened.

“I don’t have a son.” He bit something off the end of the sentence and Harry would bet anything it would’ve been a ‘milord’.

“Yet,” Harry said seriously. “That’s why I’m here. For many reasons. Firstly I had to get rid of that piece of soul Voldy gave you.” Lucius winced at his use of Voldy. 

“Thirdly because I want to protect you.”

Lucius raised a brow. “You missed ‘secondly’.”

Harry frowned.

“I did? Oops. Continuity can be confusing sometimes. Secondly, when the Dark Lord discovers that you allowed someone to destroy his horcrux he will undoubtedly punish you. And he will find out, he’ll come looking for it one day. You see, in the future that didn’t happen, when Voldy was pretending to be dead, you gave the diary away, and it was destroyed then. You and your family were punished and your son was tasked with killing Dumbles which of course he couldn’t do, as you were in Azkaban at the time. So, thirdly, because I want to protect you.” Harry grinned.

“The future that didn’t happen?” Lucius whispered. Harry patted his cheek, and he hardly even flinched.

“The one I came back to stop. Everybody dies, in the end. But first Voldemort loses.”

“Tell me more,” Lucius commanded. Harry smirked, and told him of the future of the Malfoys.

“A half-blood?” he gasped. “Please continue.” Harry did.

“The Dark Lord is insane,” he said, then looked horrified at his blasphemy. Harry hugged him.

“How do I know this is the truth? How can I trust you?” Harry shrugged.

“Well… I’m offering this chance to you instead of murdering you.”

“Protect me how?” Lucius asked in the end, eyes bright. Harry grasped Lucius’ left forearm, and bared it. He stroked the veins on the unblemished pale skin. He smiled.

“I’ll perform a Fidelius Charm upon the manor, with myself as Secret Keeper.”

After ironing out the snaggly bits like who Harry was going to tell, an unbreakable vow that Harry was going to kill Voldy, and a frank discussion on why Lucius was behaving weirdly (apparently Harry was unnerving!) Harry left, humming to himself. Who was next? As yes. The locket.

Harry shifted into the cave, and placed his hand into the bowl, extracting the locket. Mere things like anti-apparition wards and such nonsense weren’t his problem.

“Death. Do your thing!” he said. Death complied, and the locket died screaming beautifully. He then jumped around, exploding rocks until the cave entrance was completely hidden. Regulus Black would never enter here. Next stop; dear mama.

* * *

 

Lily Evans liked to think she wasn’t a screamer. (When she was scared, not the other sort! (She didn’t know about the other sort. (Yet.))) However, when the self-proclaimed Lord Mortem appeared at the foot of her bed she screamed very loudly indeed.

“Don’t worry,” he said, and smiled, revealing teeth cut like knives. “They didn’t hear you wake. That was an impressive scream.”

“What do you want?” she hissed, scrambling for her wand until she realised he was examining it.

“I want you to forgive Severus Snape,” Lord Mortem said. She stared at him incredulously.

“What? Did he send you? I knew he was a Death Eater, the scheming bastard.” Lord Mortem laughed.

“Wow. You really are quite delusional. As if anyone could send me anywhere! Don’t be silly. And I definitely wouldn’t work for a Death Eater, you’ve got the wrong end of the stick completely.” She took a deep breath. This was the most ridiculous (and terrifying) conversation she’d ever had. Could she escape? He had her wand, and had claimed no one could hear them.

“You’re not a Death Eater?” she asked. He scoffed.

“As if. What a ridiculous name! And I would never work for someone as irritating and insecure as Voldy. No. For the record, Snape isn’t a Death Eater either, or at least he won’t be until he graduates. In fact, the only reason he now associates with those you so named as his ‘friends’ is because he has no others. Did you know that the day he called you a name so foul you had to reject his friendship completely he’d just received word of his mother’s death at the hand of his father?” Lily shook her head. That couldn’t be right. Sirius had assured her that Snape was happy being evil.

“Well. Now you know. See ya around Lilyflower.” Lord Mortem winked, and disappeared.

Lily had rather a lot to think about.

* * *

 

On the matter of things to think about, so did Severus Snape.

In fact, Severus was sitting in the library thinking very hard about accepting Lord Mortem’s offer. His life had been entirely miserable, the only redeeming factor a girl who no longer spoke to him. He was on a treacherous path, sorted into Slytherin and unfortunately not rich enough to escape the fouler aspects of it. Sure, he had an above average intelligence, but that meant nothing against blood purity and beauty, of which he had neither. The Dark Lord had seemed the only option (Dumbledore was not considered), until the arrival of the peculiar wizard.

The problem was that he had no idea who the man was, or what he was capable of. No self-respecting Slytherin would place their trust in an entity that unknown. Sure, he’d taken Dumbledore’s wand. But was it a fluke, or an awesome display of power? Was his declaration naïve or bold? There was, of course, the matter of apparition within Hogwarts, but that could have been a spectacular illusion.

There was a flash of light and a wisp of paper fluttered down in front of him.

_Malfoy Manor resides in Wilshire._

Severus frowned at it, and then the paper disintegrated before his eyes. That was most peculiar. He wrote a short note to Lucius asking him if he knew why that had happened, and went to bed.

The next day he received a reply that shocked him to his very core. Lucius trusted Lord Mortem enough to place a Fidelius upon his family’s estate. Even more shocking was the approach of Lily Evans.

“Hey Sev. Can we talk?” she asked, staring at the floor. He nodded, and followed her out, aware of the eyes of the entire school following them.

“You were a bad friend, but I think, so was I,” she admitted. “Let’s try again?”

Severus thought his heart might explode from shock.

* * *

 

Gringotts was surprisingly easy to break into when you’d already done it once and you didn’t have to worry about anti-apparition wards. Harry kidnapped a goblin then shifted them to just outside the Black Vault. The goblin happy let him in, and Harry levitated the cup to him. They disapparated back out, and Harry obliviated the goblin. It was good fun. Harry shifted back to Malfoy Manor.

“Die soul, die!” Harry cried. Death appeared in a timely fashion and slowly killed the soul. It screamed. Death disappeared.

“What are you doing?” Lucius cried, entirely horrified. Harry frowned.

“Torturing Voldy’s soul to death.” Wasn’t it obvious?

“Right,” Lucius said. He blinked. “I received word from Severus Snape that he will join your side.” Harry beamed and hugged the man, ignoring Lucius’ flinch. Strange that. Must not be used to being touched.

“You should get laid,” Harry told him. Lucius scrunched his eyebrows up prettily.

“Back to the subject of Severus, he said that he didn’t want to be hidden away, but would appreciate your protection if the Dark Lord ever approached him.”

“Did he say that I was the awesomest wizard ever?” Harry asked in delight. Lucius coughed.

“Yes,” he said and smelt of lies. Oh well. Harry could understand that Lucius might think himself the awesomest wizard ever. Most people did.

“Not to worry,” Harry said, patting Lucius on the head. “You’ll get over your superiority complex at some point.” Lucius frowned, but declined to reply.

“Would you like to break into Hogwarts with me and steal Ravenclaw’s diadem? Voldy’s hiding another piece of soul in it, very naughty.” Lucius frowned even more.

“Another horcrux,” he muttered. “No wonder he’s insane.”

“I am not!” Harry cried. Lucius blinked.

“No, I was talking about the Dark Lord,” Lucius said, eyeing Harry’s wand. He still weirdly smelt of lies. Maybe he needed a bath?

“Do you want to take a bath?” Harry asked.

“I’d rather steal Ravenclaw’s diadem,” Lucius muttered. Harry beamed.

“Excellent.” Harry grabbed his shoulder, and they appeared on the seventh floor by the tapestry of Barnaby the Barmy. “Walk back and forth here and think of a room of hidden things.” Lucius eyed him strangely, and glanced up and down the corridor.

“Why me?” he asked. Harry frowned.

“Because teamwork,” he explained. Honestly, some people were so slow.

“Right,” said Lucius, and walked until the Room of Requirement appeared. He gazed at it, an amazed look upon his face.

“I am amazing,” Harry informed him. They entered the room. “Here horcrux, horcrux,” Harry murmured, trying to charm the horcrux out of its hiding place. Eventually they found it. It was seated on top of a vanishing cabinet that Harry blasted to pieces for good measure.

“Death!” Death appeared. Lucius backed away quickly, but Harry ignored his childish behaviour. Judging Death on his appearance was so mean. Death ate the soul and it screamed a thousand screams. “Do you want it?” He offered the untarnished diadem to Lucius. He inspected it, and shook his head.

“Perhaps we ought to leave it here,” Lucius said and gazed around at all the clutter. Harry tossed it over his shoulder and skipped toward the entrance. Lucius sounded like he was choking, but Harry was sure he’d be fine. They exited the room, then Harry took them back to Lucius’ manor.

“That’s all the horcruxes done. Suppose I better go kill the old boy next.” Lucius was staring at him. Harry preened.

“Just how many did he make?” he rasped. Harry pouted.

“Five in this timeline, six plus one accidental one in the next.”

“Accidental!” Lucius said. Harry smiled. Lucius flinched. Harry tapped where his scar used to be.

“It was in my head, but now it’s not.”

“Explains a lot.”

“That rhymes!” Harry cried. Lucius tried a smile. He wasn’t very good at it.

* * *

 

Voldemort was having a bad day. Firstly, a complete stranger had apparated into Hogwarts, despite the fact that it was meant to be impossible, and the castle impregnable. After all, even he couldn’t get in without an invitation! He’d told factually accurate stories about himself and Dumbledore, to his frustration. (Although the Dumbledore one was hilarious.) He’d entrusted a piece of his soul to Lucius, whose manor he now couldn’t find, and he had a bloody awful headache.

“Hello Tom,” someone said from behind him, inside his unbeatable wards and unplottable house that no one could possibly find entry to ever. He hated that name. That was it, he decided. Today was the worst day ever!

Then he died.

Inconceivable!

Was it possible to have a worse than the worst day ever?

* * *

 

Lucius was in bed when Harry returned. Harry snuggled up next to him. Lucius opened his lovely grey eyes, then swore and fell out of bed, clutching his wand. Harry pouted. Lucius blinked then sighed, placing the wand on his bedside table.

“That’s not very nice you know,” he informed Lucius. “I was just cuddling.” Lucius gaped at him then shook his head.

“My apologies. It was… unexpected.” Harry frowned.

“Do you want me to find someone else to cuddle?” There was a long silence. Lucius stared at the floor. Harry slid out of the bed, then turned on his foot, disapparating through the wards. He slid into his own bed in Peverell Manor. Stupid stupid stupid. People were different in this time than in the future. Stupid. He was trusting naïve Gryffindor stupid.

 “Death!” The spectre appeared to him, took one look, and transformed himself into a teddy bear. Harry snuggled up with it.

“I hate you,” Death informed him in a growly voice. Harry patted Death’s fur.

“I know,” he mumbled. He closed his eyes, and fell asleep. When he awoke he tumbled out of bed, fed and dressed himself, then paused.

The future was safe, for the moment. What should he do next?

Three days later he’d knitted a scarf, written four haikus and perfected his handstands.

“Death!” he shouted. Death appeared as the smoking hot babe.

“Yes,” she said, arms folded, a look of annoyance upon her face.

“I’m booored,” Harry complained. Death rolled her eyes and collapsed onto a sofa.

“Go annoy Lucius,” Harry pouted.

“No.”

“Go annoy Dumbledore.” Harry scrunched his nose up.

“No.”

“Go write a story about your childhood, then pose as an author and publish it.” Harry opened his mouth to refuse, then paused. He beamed.

“Brilliant idea! I’ll pretend to be a woman called… Joanne Rowling.” He grabbed a pen and paper.

“Can I go now? I’ve got souls to harvest.” Harry waved his hand dismissively. He had a story to write. He wasn’t even going to change any of the names… after all, it wasn’t as if anyone was ever going to read it.

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> Haha so I admit I wrote this while mostly drunk. But look how it turned out! Funny right? Kinda. 
> 
> Hope you enjoyed, and thanks for reading. Find me on [tumblr](https://theroguehuntress.tumblr.com/) if you wanna chat, or feel free to comment!


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